By Madeleine Suhrbier
After interviewing Kai about his experience of going through a loss and grieving his grandma, I went to West Chester University Counseling Center for some professional advice on grief. Moira Compton is a master-level social worker and pre-licensed therapist who works full-time at WCU as a therapist. Before becoming a therapist, she worked in a hospice, where she witnessed many grieving families. My main goal from this interview was to learn how to best support a friend who is going through a loss.
Understanding what someone is going through emotionally and physically is the first step to take before figuring out how to support them. Moira mentioned that grief can look different for each person, and there’s many emotions that someone can experience. Sleep can be impacted, either wanting to sleep more than usual or less. The same goes for appetite. Many times, grief makes it difficult to concentrate. “People might find that they’re not able to do everything the way they have been functioning in the past.” Completing a homework assignment could feel impossible because it’s so hard to concentrate. They could also find themselves ruminating about the person they lost.
It’s hard to watch a friend go through this. Most of the time, we don’t know what to say or how to help. Here are my five key takeaways from Moira on how to best support a friend during this hard time.
1. Knowing Your Role as a Friend
It’s human nature to want to fix things and make your friend feel better. However, Moira reminds us that it is not our job, nor is it helpful to be the “fixer”. It is best to bear witness to your friend’s pain. “Join in with them in the experience. Grief is painful.” There are not many spaces where we can openly express our grief. Acknowledging your friend in pain and going through a loss can help them feel less alone.
2. Follow their lead
Before you say anything to them, figure out the best way to approach your friend. Everyone is different – some will want to talk about it and others won’t. The best practice is to follow their lead and go at their speed. Listening to their experience and what they choose to share is one of the most helpful things you can do.
3. It’s okay to admit if you don’t know what to say
Western social norms expect grief to be a quick process done in private. These norms create uncertainty regarding how to respond and support those who are grieving. It’s helpful to be honest and admit, ‘” don’t always know what to say, but I can tell this is very hard, and I’m here for you.” Honesty is much more connecting than trying to sound perfectly put together. This goes back to the first point of not being the “fixer”. Admitting you don’t know what to say but acknowledging how hard this time is, validating the pain and loss your friend is feeling.
4. Remind them to be patient with themselves and to practice self-compassion
“It’s important to be gentle with ourselves and recognize we are through a grieving process. It’s hard to hold ourselves to the same standard that we did before. “Your friend might not know what they need, so it can be helpful to give them options for the ways you can show up for them. This could look like:
- “I’m here to listen.”
- “Would you like to get some fresh air and go on a walk together?”
- “I can look into on-campus resources for you if you’re interested.”
- “I’m picking up food from Sykes. Can I pick up something for you too?”
Sometimes we have timelines in our heads for when things will get better. There’s no end date for grief – it takes on many different forms and shapes throughout our lives. “There are times when grief can feel like a heavy boulder on our back, then as time goes on, this boulder can break down into smaller pieces until it is a pebble that we can fit in our pocket. Some days this pebble will feel heavier or lighter, but it is always with us as we continue to integrate the loss into our lives.”
Although it sounds cliché, remind your friend to take it day by day.
5. Ask your friend about the person and remember important dates
It may feel awkward, or you might be nervous that if you bring up the loved one who died, your friend will get upset. Moira points out that in reality, your friend is probably afraid that people have forgotten about the loss. It can be very helpful for people to talk about their loved ones. Ask them to tell you about their favorite memories, what they were like, and what their relationship was like.
Milestones and important points in your friend’s life can be hard without that person. Remembering and checking in with your friend on important dates like the death date, birthday, and holidays is a huge sign that shows them you care.
Knowing and practicing these five takeaways will help you support your friend as they navigate the grieving process.
If you or someone you know is grieving, the West Chester University Counseling Center offers several resources for grief, including both individual and group therapy.
